


"Keep Breathing"

by The_Trashiest_Bisexual



Category: Dead Poets Society (1989)
Genre: Anxiety, Attempted Suicide, Depression, Did I mention edge, Everyone is pretty much sad, Grief/Mourning, Introspection, Loss, M/M, Not really happy ending, One-Shot, Past Suicide, Some good good edge, todd is sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-17
Updated: 2019-11-17
Packaged: 2021-02-07 20:10:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 958
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21463852
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Trashiest_Bisexual/pseuds/The_Trashiest_Bisexual
Summary: It was mornings like these, where he woke up and for a split second after the haze cleared he expected to feel the warmth of another body next to him, only to find a cold, empty space at his side.“You left me behind.”_______In which Neil is dead and life goes on, but so does the pain of losing the only person that reminded Todd what it meant to be alive.
Relationships: Todd Anderson/Neil Perry
Comments: 4
Kudos: 27





	"Keep Breathing"

**Author's Note:**

> WARNING: This story makes reference to depression, suicidal thoughts, past suicide (of a deceased character), and attempted suicide. Please be mindful if any of these themes are triggering for you prior to reading.
> 
> Take care! <3

Most days he wished he could forget.

It was mornings like these, where he woke up and for a split second after the haze cleared he expected to feel the warmth of another body next to him, only to find a cold, empty space at his side. It was mornings when his vision sobered up a little too quickly and his chest burned with every breath that he wished he forgot. He wished he forgot the feeling of arms wrapped around him, pulling him close as soft lips pressed kisses to his face. He wished he forgot the warmth, the smile, the looks of adoration and the butterflies and memories and everything that mattered to him.

He couldn’t. He just couldn’t, and he couldn’t bring himself to do more than let tears roll silently down his face as slow breathing burned his chest.

He had to get up. He had to get dressed and get ready for classes. He had to face teachers and students and the looks of concern and pity sent his way. The thought made his body sink further into the mattress. It made his insides churn and his limbs feel numb. It made his head hurt, and the scalding fire in his chest to course through his veins. How was he supposed to do any of that now?

“You left me behind.”

He didn’t even realise he spoke the words out loud until the feeling of his voice tearing past his throat registered in his mind. It wasn’t loud; it wasn’t intrusive or attention-grabbing or even worth noting. Barely above a whisper, but somehow it felt like poison lined his throat. It made it hard to speak.

“You fucking left me behind.”

A quiet hiccupped breath followed. Most days he wished he could forget the memories of moments where he lost Neil’s eyes - when the light behind them would disappear and they almost seemed glassy and lifeless, almost like he had never been living and had already died before he actually-

“How the **fuck** could you leave me here?”

He scrunched his eyes shut, instinctually covering his face with his hands and biting his lip to muffle sobs. It was too much. It was all too much and life was too overwhelming without Neil there. It hurt to speak and to walk and to breathe and to live and to just _be_. It felt like he was drowning all over again - lost in the sea that was his brother’s shadow and the expectations of his parents. Lost in a forest of faces he never cared to memorise - that he _didn’t_ wish he could forget most days because _how the fuck was he supposed to go back to living when the only thing that gave him air was gone?_

He heard footsteps from outside his room, and he hoped to god that the padding of feet against floorboards was loud enough to distract whoever was out there from his sharp gasps for air.

Most days he wish he could forget what it had felt like to be alive, because having that life ripped away from him only left him to remember what it was like to be dead with a beating heart all over again; just a zombie stuck walking through life. Most days he wish he could forget because Neil was dead and Charlie was gone and Mr. Keating was fired and none of the others were ever quite the same. Life would never be quite the same. He would never be quite the same.

He would never quite be the same.

He was drowning again, but this time there wasn’t a hand to pull him up. No one else would be able to understand the grief that was consuming him.

He couldn’t tell anyone else that it was probably going to steal his life too.

He imagines the bridge. He imagines racing to its edge and gripping the bricks so tight his knuckles lose colour. He imagines tears springing to his eyes and breathing becoming painful and the idea that if he just jumped it would all be over. There would be darkness and then nothingness and then Neil. _God_ there would be Neil and it would be okay again. He didn’t care if Neil would hate him for joining him - for throwing his entire life away for him but _Todd was nothing without Neil and he couldn’t live alone again_, not when he knew what it was like to be alive and have it all torn away from him.

And maybe jumping off the bridge wouldn’t kill him, but it could at least cause brain damage and a coma and the need for life support that would eventually get pulled and—

Fuck, there were hands on his back and arms around his waist and people screaming his name and pulling him back.

All he thought of was Neil.

Someone was crying, their sobs muffled against his shoulder and someone else was squeezing one of his hands in both of theirs so hard he was sure they would both lose feeling in their extremities.

All he thought of was Neil.

Another person told him not to do it — begged him to stay alive and keep breathing and _fuck was he even still alive when Neil wasn’t alive with him_? They told him to breathe anyway, to just stop and breathe and keep breathing and keep breathing and keep breathing. It became a repeated mantra, and whether it was for him or the person desperately clinging to those words he had no idea. He had no idea if his death would hurt them anywhere near as much as Neil’s had destroyed all of them. He just didn’t know.

All he thought of was Neil.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading and I hope you enjoyed the fic. Comments and kudos are always appreciated <3


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